Have you ever felt something coming, something that you knew was going to be painful or hard, and so instead of acknowledging the fact, you simply pushed the thoughts away, swept warning signs under the rug, or even full out ran in the other direction? I have. Recently, in fact. And I am having to learn the hard way now that I went about it in a completely wrong way.
For awhile now, I have been feeling God leading me to do something that in my flesh I did not want to do...not only did I not want to do it, but it scared the daylights out of me to have to. Nevertheless, I knew what was coming, and instead of trusting Jesus and taking the steps He was leading me to take, I kept stumbling around in my own personal darkness, trying to work my way out, but never really knowing what direction I was headed in.
In Exodus Jesus commands us that we must have no other gods before him. (Ex. 20:3) Period. He did not say, "you must give me most of your worship, but if you happen to give some to someone or something else, it is not that big of a deal." No, he demands that we make him first in our lives, that we seek him above everything else, and that we obey him even when we know it will be painful. And let me say, he does not do this because he is a God who wants to make life miserable for us, rather, his word says: "When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!" John 15:10-11
In my life, God has blessed me beyond anything I could ever deserve, and in return he asks that I be a good steward of what he has blessed me with...it is all his anyway, so it is not mine to try and control or take advantage of.
I am ashamed to say that in certain aspects of my life, I have not been faithful to be a good steward of his blessings. Not only was I not faithful to be a good steward, but I let people continue to think that I was, I let people continue to praise the way I handled things, I let people keep on thinking that I was seeking Christ when, in reality, I wasn't. And this makes me profoundly sad.
My relationship with my Jesus suffered, I was painfully aware of it, and I still chose to selfishly do what I wanted instead of what my loving Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Oh sure, I was still spending time with him, still spending time in prayer, involved in my churchy activities, but I kept parts of my heart from him. As if I can even do that. He sees it all, he knows my heart, there is nothing I can possibly hide from him. And on top of that, I hurt someone that I deeply love in the process.
So all that said, where I stand now is a new place. Something I dearly loved and cherished has been stripped away, and I am only now realizing how much of a good thing it is. Is it painful? Yes. Do I feel like my heart is laying on the ground in thousands of little pieces and I have no idea how to put it back together again? Yes. Is it beautiful? Very much so.
The beautiful part is that I don't have to have all the answers. I don't even have to know how to put everything back together again. All I have to understand is that Jesus is the one who is going to bring me through it, and because of that, he is the one who is going to get all of the glory, and because of this I can rejoice.
So, I'll be using this blog to keep track of what I am learning through this season of my life. If I'm really honest, it is for me to keep track of what Jesus is teaching me. If he wants to use it to touch the life of someone else, then I will love that too.
